assasinations

e m p t i n e s s 

I was a killer, was the best they’d ever seen
I’d steal your heart before you ever heard a thing
I’m an assassin and I had a job to do
Little did I know that girl  boy was an assassin too.

 I don’t even know where to begin…

so, just a recap of my past few days:

• got dumped on Valentine’s Day-CHECK.
• threw up till i couldn’t stand-CHECK.
• throwing up on myself in front of tons of kids-CHECK.
• drank so I couldn’t think about it/him-CHECK.
• feel like a miserable, cliche?-CHECK.

All weekend I was nauseous and could hardly eat, but then after the wonderful breakup…nausea became my best friend. I have thrown up 9 times in the past 24 hrs and over 11 times since Monday night, fail. Today, I felt so low I couldn’t help but cry. I was a sight, but thankfully Jason happened to be in town and helped me out. He really is one of my best friends and strongest pillars…I can’t believe I almost walked away from that friendship. hmp.

I sit here; sad and a tad melancholy and can’t stop being upset, for a few reasons. I am sad because everything reminds me of him, I am sad because people always leave. I am sad because everyone asks me about him and how excited they are to see him this weekend; which leads me to why I’m upset. I wanted, and asked for nothing else but for closure this weekend. I’ve respected and allowed the person i loved openly to just, w a l k out of my life, casually. I didn’t try and stop him, i didn’t reach out, NOTHING. But I asked for one weekend, and couldn’t have it.

you can’t always get what you want.

i know this. but i thought in this case, i could. he can’t because it hurts, it’s funny to me. call me mean, and whatever else, but HE broke up with ME. HE broke up with ME for his future, because I wasn’t good enough for it. Here’s the thing:

religion is great, it gives you a sense of community, of feeling fulfilled and feeling enlightened. for some people, it is the best thing that’s ever happened to them. BUT, with this being said, i think love is greater. if you really do love someone, in the way where you have to consciously not talk to them, where you feel pain to leave them, i think that’s greater then any religion. he wanted me on his team, but knew nothing about MY team. =[ basically, i wasn’t good enough. and now, i’m left with a bare right hand, and empty stomach, and a heavy heart…

and that, makes me feel e m p t y. 

more empty then all the vomiting i’ve been doing, more empty than any colon cleanse could offer. 

i just want to talk to him, i want to hug him and i want to rant to him. i want to let him go, well, i NEED to let him go… 

i want to be okay.