Contradictions
there is beauty in the breakdown of thoughts. thoughts are meant to be shared, to be understood, to be loved. i want to love, lust, crave and grow in my thoughts. i am a crazy girl with far too many thoughts.
…not to be.
valentine’s day.
- let this be a warning…if you’re someone who may get sad from reading this…stop. tonight the thoughts are flying…
what’s there to say? i’ve worked YEARS in the flower shop, seeing wonderful men treating their women right, while also seeing asshole men trying to make up for it with a price tag…
i love this day for the love. i love it for my friends, but i don’t agree with the ‘romance’ people say it holds…but i’m being hypocritical. i am dating a boy who enjoyed it, and i was excited to give in, just a little. i had planned wonderful things for our celebration; zip lining, photo shoot, dinner….but plans change…
he broke up with me, on valentine’s day.
i cannot be upset, because he is following his faith, but my goodness does it make me dislike religion more now, then ever before. as much as i know the truth of how he felt about me, i can’t help but feel a few things:
- that i was a wildcard he just needed to try
- that i was a space filler
- that i am not enough.
it seems to be a constant with me in relationships.
“too good, too loveable…” come on, give me something better, please.
the thing is, this boy, he is wonderful. he showed me things about myself i’ve never known, and i will forever be indebted to him. i KNOW, for a fact, that he will be amazing and make some lady, the luckiest. he made me feel love. the kind i wished could last forever. the thing is, this was unfair of me to think:
he was never mine…he was my rental. i fell in love with my ‘rental’…my fault, i suppose.
it is funny to think that this day of l o v e will remind me of this from here on out. why are breakups so expertly planned? July 4th is another for me…weird.
the thing is, if you read my post about white flags…i guess it wasn’t good enough. the colour i presented, wasn’t enough to keep that dreadful white flag away. i guess that last say was
…not to be…
but, i hope that this makes him better, and happier. i hope that i turn to be just a dusty memory and eventually i’m be the dusty right side. he’s someone who’s mind i don’t want to linger in. i want him to forget me, and l i v e.
…or maybe i’m just too scared to remember him, i am scared he’ll always be…to be, to me.
